I love you.

Dear Child,

I'm writing this letter to you to tell you about how much I love you. I wish that you could see how I adore you, but your ways are not my ways, and your thoughts are not my thoughts. Because of that, you might get a tiny glimpse of just how much you mean to me, but for as long as you live, you will be discovering every day just how much I think about you and adore you but will never find the bottom of it.

Do you get this? I chose you. No, you aren't qualified, but I don't choose the qualified. Those who are last on this earth will be first in heaven, and those who are first on this earth will be last in heaven. Those people have their worth on earth and although they might seem qualified according to your human standards, they will never measure up to the unwavering faithfulness of you. Why? Because you have chosen to run towards me with all of your might, forsaking the earthly comforts and luxeries. I called you, and you have chosen to come. Don't worry. There will be those of this earth who will call you crazy, will interrogate you spiritually, mentally, and physically. But I will protect you. Nothing will harm you unless I give permission. This faith that you have...this faith can withstand even the gates of hell! Nothing will conquer it and it will be around until the world ends.

You might be asking, "Why me? I'm not worth anything." I'll have you know that I don't care what you have or haven't done. I love you. I can't ever stop loving you at the full capacity that I do. You can't do anything to attract or detract from my love. It bigger than the ocean, higher than the sky, and more perfect than any painting that you've ever seen. I love you so much that I think about specifically you...constantly! More than you have ever thought about any boy or girl or friend in your life. I know your name, it's sweet on my tongue and I love saying it. I sing to you. You might not hear a voice. But listen. Listen. It's in the wind, it's in the waves, it ripples through the trees, it's in the humming ofthe bees and the song of the birds. It flows out the song that you yourself sing. It's all explaining how much I love you. Those songs are meant for you.

I wish that I could explain how much I love you, because I feel that those analogies don't do my love justice. I would do anything for you. I have done everything for you. I gave up my only child to be ruthlessly killed so that I could adopt you into my family. That's the thing with adoption. You can never be turned away after I have chosen you. You can diss me all you want, but you are still Mine. And I'm never letting go.

In this life, you will face tribulations- you probably already have. Just remember, you don't have to go through them yourself. I would never do anything to harm you. The waters will come, but they will not overflow you. You will walk through fire, but you will not be burned. My plans for you have hope, you have a future. It may not be what you envisioned: it'll be far better. I promise. Trust the one who createdthe universe and sees the past, the present and the future. And just remember, I love you. Don't ever forget that.

~God

Dare to give up.

"Our Father which art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Give me my stuff.

(Ya know, that full ride to college, a car that actually has a nice paint color. Oh yeah, and let me get at least a 2,000 on this SAT that I haven't studied for. And maybe, could you make my sister stop annoying me...PLEASE??)

And forgive us our debts, just as we forgive our debtors.

For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever. Amen.

How often do we find ourselves praying to God and

a) Sprinting through the "thank-you's, your-will-be-done's, you're-awesome's, and bless-those-and-them's. But specifically noting each and every request that you have.

b) Praying to God, not having a two-way conversation.

Sadly, I have found myself doing both of those things quite often. What makes us humans believe that we are the center of the universe, rather than the God who created it? We think that if we don't have our futures planned out, we will be hoboes living on the street. We believe that we need to ask God for everything that we think that we need in this life when in fact we really aren't supposed to be living at all for this life, but the next! What makes us humans think that we are in control of our lives when we could walk out on the street and one instant later be dead?

I believe that there is a fact that all followers of Christ must accept before even thinking about asking God for anything.

God is in complete control of everything.

We are not in control of anything.

Until we can learn to trust God with the little things in life, there is no way that we are going to give him the reigns in the large things in life. *Disclaimer: What might be small to us might be huge to God, because His mind is far above ours.

I received a challenge a couple of weeks ago from a brother of mine. He challenged me to go for an entire week without asking God for a single thing. Nothing. At all. Period. At first, I doubted that I could do it. A week was such a long time to go without asking God for anything. Really?? So I took the challenge. And it was indeed a challenge. The first day of it I started to realize how much flippant prayers I send up to God. Yes, I ask God to bless people, but I realized how much I ask him to bless ME. Memememe. I had been asking God to do his will in my life while tagging on suggestions (or orders) of what I want "His" will to be.

Throughout the week of not asking God anything, I realized several other things. One being that God really is in complete control! I have gotten in a habit of asking God to bless the meal to the nuritement of my body, to ask him for a good day at work, for safe travels, and for help on my school work. When going for a week without asking those things, I realized that hmm...maybe..just maybe...God IS in control and he already knows whats going to happen with the food, the day at work, the traveling, and the school work. Maybe?? He knows whats going to happen in the future and how it affects his view of how my puzzle of a life will be fits together?

Eventually those petition prayers turned into prayers of thankfullness. When I felt like praying for a good day at work, instead I thanked him that he had allowed me to find a job. When I was frustrated with someone, instead of praying that he would calm me down, I thanked him for giving me opportunites to be patient. When praying for the food (why do we do that anyway??) instead I thanked him for giving our family food. Which led me to think about countries that have no food, which lead me to thank God for the work that he was doing in those countries without me (because he is in complete control of the world and doesn't need me.)

While realizing that God is in complete control and learning to thank him more often, I think that the biggest lesson that I gleened from this experience was finally realizing in my heart and not just in my head that God loved me and wants to use me, even though he doesn't need me. He could have chosen anyone in this world to use to change it. But He chose us. We don't have to "ask" him for anything. He is going to use us whether we like it or not.

So what is my challenge to you? The same that was given to me. Just tell God that you want his heart. That you wnat to see the world through his eyes. And then not ask him for anything for one week. It's only seven days, but it can change your entire relationship with God. By giving up on the little things in life, we can be used for a much greater purpose that is beyond ourselves.

180 days.

180 days. Normally, 6 months of looking forward to or looking back from doesn't mean much. Most of us can't even remember what we did today six months ago. Those memories should be long gone; there should be a fogginess of a holiday, a vacation, or dream that we can't quite recall. But we don't really care because it is in the past- a decent while in the past.

180 days. As I think about July 16th, 2010, a flood of distinct memories rushes forth. That was the day that my life became beyond myself. I realized as I left the God-given team, the beautiful African continent, and the people therein, that our world- what is directly encompassing us- is just a piece of sand on the massive coastline of the world.

I have been extremely grateful that the "team" has become family since the trip. We have had around 11 reunions in the last 6 months, and I personally have been able to spend time with 15 of the 17 other team members, including our host who actually lives in Kenya! The reunions in and of themselves are a miracle! Our team is literally spread out across the country: from the southern tip of Florida to Northwest Washington state! I can only give thanks to God for allowing us to be this great of a support for each other. It's true love.

I'm sure that you are asking, "Why are you guys still hanging out? It's been 6 months since the a one month trip! The math just doesn't add up." I can only say this. There was something about Africa. It was heart wrenching walk to through one of the poorest slums in the world. It was heart breaking to become friends with an 8 year old who acted as a mother and selflessly gave up everything for her beautiful niece. It was heart shattering visiting schools with hundreds of kids who were all orphans. It was heart mending to see the enormous amounts of HOPE that the Africans possesed. And it because of that HOPE that I am typing this blog. Because that kind of HOPE never dies. In fact, as much as the pain of not living on that beautiful continent right now is seething within, the HOPE of knowing that the people that our team came into contact with are striving through their adversities, perservering through trials, and thriving in their walk with the Lord is enough to never forget that month.

Dear Africa, it's been 180 days I've left. I promise I will return someday. And I don't break promises.

Redeemed

I've read that when writing any sort of paper, the last sentence that we want to start with is, "I don't even know where to begin." Well, that is exactly how I feel about this blog. Beware, it's going to be long and scantily organized, but hey, it's worth a try!

I promised that I would tell of the reasons that I hadn't been faithfully posting blogs. The honest truth is that I didn't feel qualified. Why would this blond-headed girl from middle-of-nowhere Indiana have anything to say about things beyond myself? Why would this person who has turned into something that she despises have anything to say to encourage others in their walk with Christ? The truth is...I don't.

The last couple of months, I haven't been qualified to write blogs because of the filthy selfishness that has surrounded my soul. I pray that no one has noticed it, but that is highly unlikely, seeing as I have been a (word comes to mind). I have had a scewed view of life, turning the deep, meaningful aspects of life into surface, meaningless throw-aways and the surface garbage into something that I was grasping for with all my might.

It wasn't until I had a reunion with my Kenya team that I got called out on some sin that I had fallen into this last semester that I realized this. Those selfish ambitions literally mean nothing to everyone but myself, and considering that we are supposed to be living beyond ourselves...yeah, you get the point.

I guess that the point of this blog is mainly to apologize for the person that I have become. But there is great news, God has once again taken my life and repaired it!

During the New Year, most people decide on resolutions to work toward for the upcoming year. I have never been a fan of resolutions, seeing that for the most part, they are easily broken within the first couple of months. I have felt that in making a resolution, it is impending doom upon ourselves by NOT completing that resolution. While I didn't make any resolutions, I believe that God did. He decided that he was going to give me another chance to be completely, recklessly, and fully in love with him. After all, after talking with one of my brothers, I realized that the very essence of christianity is LOVE. Not the selfish love of ourselves like I had been expressing, but the completely deep love for one another in Christ. It's a love that very few people experience. It can't be bought or sold or even signed with a pen. It's a love that only comes from the Holy Spirit. It's a love that holds together 17 people who all come from different backgrounds, families, and beliefs. It's a love that no matter how hard we try, we can't dillude, dissuade, or dissolve it.

I felt that love during the New Year when God told me that I needed to be baptized again. I was baptized when I was 5. While I understood what it meant, I rededicated my life to God when I was 11, and I haven't been baptized since then. I was hoping to be baptized in the Carribean when I went to the Dominican Republic, but that didn't end up working out. I believe that God held off me being baptized until the New Year. After all, the New Year symbolizes new beginnings.

So, what is my resolution this year? To really be the person that God has called me to be. Not the person that I was. Who I am hates who I've been. Who I am never wants to go there again.

"Do not fear, for behold, I have redeemed you. I have called you by your name. You. are mine." -Isaiah 43:1

It's all about the love.